Today was not the worst, and not the best ever.. it was the besst here lately though. I got paid money usualluy satisfys his anger and being mean. idk im pretty used to these changes in my life. i never thought i would be my grandmother a controlled housewife. im sure if he new about this blog it would be the mother of all fights. i thought i might find something happy to type about but really only shopping and getting my nails done and being high all day is what truly made me happy, speaking of my nails they hurt a lot because idk they usually hurt when i dont get them done for a long time then i start to all the time again. its really unhealthy ive gotta stop getting them done so much. its costly. HA i know i really wont give up the little happiness i get when i get my nails done it was just a simple minded suggestion, i wonder sometimes if this is really what i want for my life though. Like do i really want to only find happiness in shopping and not at home with my fiancee? that doesnt sound happy or like a healthy relationship.. It is my relationship though. I wonder if ill ever find the mindset to leave before its too late. Its sad that im forced into a love i cant bring myself to leave. But look at my mother, she used a man and her struggle in the end was too much for her to bear and now our whole family has split apart. For good as far as i can see. Its com,min in mexcan familys for them to split apart towards the grandparents last few years we did it a lot during my great grandmothers last few year.. and she was the closest person to my mom. Idk my point is i wonder if i get married am i just setting myself up for a divorce? i like being alone. At some point ive got to realize i dont need a strong tough guy or a pretty boy to make me know true love, i just need my other half as he is.. Josh is nothing like i thought wed be at this point.. he feels nothing the way i feel and i dont want to break his heart or let go of what ive always known for 4 years. I feel like how im talking is telling me now one day i will leave but its no time soon. Im gonna grin and bear it. To the happily never after in my beauty and the beast relationship..